Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Breaking the Silence

I haven't blogged that much this past year. It just seemed that my blogs were becoming redundant. It seems my life is redundant! Same thing, day in and day out, waiting, waiting, waiting... Chasing this chance or that. Hoping something will happen making a way for us to FINALLY go to the mission field. All the while feeling that if there was a company named Failure, I would be their CEO.

(Side note: Feelings can be feeble and not always a depiction of reality. I have learned to bring my feelings to Abba-Daddy. He is never offended, no matter how ridiculous my emotions or emotional statements may get. He listens, comforts, and adjust my heart and mind to see things more clearly.)

My husband and I have been trying to go to the mission field since graduating college 10 long years ago. There have been seasons of putting our dreams on hold, knowing it wasn't time. There have been lessons learned and necessary growth along the way.

Three years ago, we took our family to Africa for two months. We knew it was time to focus what God called us to do. When we returned, our efforts to become full time missionaries turned in to an uphill battle, and we began the most difficult and most emotional leg of this journey.

Fast forward to the present: for several months we've been working with an amazing company to begin a business in Ghana. This would be beneficial to our ministry and to the community, as well as give us a platform for our main focus of ministry, which is job training and skills development for financial independence.

So far, our efforts have not panned out. Although there has been many disappointments, we know that in His time, it will all work out. God has everything in control, and we are trusting Him.

We have a mandate to go to Ghana, and like never before everything is saying GO NOW. The hubs, who owns his own construction business, hasn't gotten a decent job in awhile. The house we rent is being sold, and is priced to sell quickly. We have people requesting to visit us in Ghana, and projects waiting for us when we get there.

Our desire, what we know God wants us to do, is to live and minister in Ghana. Never have we felt we were to be part time or short term missionaries. Because of this, we've held back waiting for everything to be right. Waiting for all the pieces to be in place so we can go knowing it is "forever". However, there is an element of faith and trust required that "having all your ducks in a row" doesn't allow for. It seems,we are at that place. We've gotta choose to take the leap, and trust that God's got a plan, even if we don't.

So, we're gonna jump. We leave for Africa March 20th. We will stay for at least six months. We are believing that in that time, God is going to make a way for us to stay more permanently. If not, we'll come home, and ask, "What's next, Abba?" Either way, He is faithful. He is good.

Because this is my personal blog, not our ministry blog (although they often cross over), I can be more open about about the emotional roller coaster I've been on, especially in the past six months. There have been so many hopes created and hopes deferred that it's exhausting! I have cried many painful tears and yelled at God for being a big meanie! I've experience every emotion-anger, depression, hope, joy, pain. I've quit, given up the calling, about a million times. He's never felt so far away and so close at the same time.

Six months ago I couldn't have said that if we go to Ghana and have to come home six months later, with no plans of returning, that I would be OK with it. But I am now. Partially from complete exhaustion from fighting for this "calling" for so long. Partially because I know now that it really doesn't matter. What matters is obedience. What matters is knowing Him, trusting Him when it doesn't make sense at all, and resting in His love and faithfulness.

I so desperately want to do something great for my God. I wanna change the world for Him. But I am learning, world-changer status is meaningless to Him. He wants my heart. My love, devotion and willingness to follow is more precious to Him than any world-changing actions I may attempt.

How amazing is that?!

SEE our Ministry post about leaving: